Tuesday, May 03, 2005


is a beautiful sunset on a magnificent body of water, eating a plate of aromatic and visually stimulating food, with your partner for life sitting across from you with his hand in yours.

St. Louis
is the place I am moving today, in June, to start my residency, to begin my life.

May 13th
Is the day I graduate, with my family and friends supporting me

My grandma
broke her shoulder, I have to write a letter to her, goodbye!

is where I should be right now

is where I need to go in 35 minutes

is my manner

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


the world goes so fast
it takes the breath away
it whirls through your hair
tossing your papers in the wind
it untangles the square
and makes it a mess

but stess you see
can lead to increased happiness

whether good or bad
it makes hard for all

sleep well
excersie and love
and you will never fail.

Monday, March 28, 2005



my friend Kristi came and visited me a few weekends ago. Had a great time. Bought 325 dollar sunglasses from Christian Dior. Sometimes you just have to spoil yourself. It is okay, it is alright to do this. WE need to give to ourselves.

I love Tony. Last weekend car shopping Audi TT, want one so bad. So cute and nice, just need to convince myself that father is just trying to be father and be helpful. I love you so much tony. need to go shopping for him for his birthday! april 24.

Graduation will be here before we know it... Moving to Missouri. I love tony. need to do so much. boards stuff. need to call her now and get ready for work!


Tuesday, March 15, 2005


so stressed why do i do to self.
get out of here, this black hole in the basement.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005



Friday, March 04, 2005

fuck it

you know what, fuck it all
again, people don't really want to know how you feel...

and tell me, why are people mean? i hate people sometimes... how are you going to have a fucken attitude with me when i haven't done shit to you. shut the fuck up, that's what i say, what is your fucken problem? don't think cause i'm a white chick i won't curse you the fuck out and jump you too. what the fuck is your problem??

and don't say, always work over me, yeah i know, i'm always doing shit, you knew that when you met me, i love you too but compromise please. I tell you you can always stay over and the first thing out of your mouth is "i'd have to bring clothes along....(whining)". What the fuck do you think i do ever single weekend.

Fuck, i'm so fucken angry right now, i can't even fucken concentrate on the yearbook.fuck fuck fuck!

we got the HOLE world in our hands

whole in my heart
lost in the dark

searching for a way
that isn't going today

wondering why
it takes so much

wondering where
i can find enough



i have a power that ships the rocks
i have the strength to feed mountains to the lions

i have the bravery
of a million cows

i have the heart
of one, who has lost the final vows...


fear is a facet of life.
so i'm scared
what do you want
yeah, i have everything going for me, a future husband, a new job, finished school, have a job now, a roof over my head, food on the table, people who love me.
everything's fine... that's why i don't talk you know, b/c people don't understand, and yeah I have it better than most, a lot of people, but you don't know me, don't know my head, my heart, my turning stomach, you dodn't now my thoughts alone. no, don't want to know,.

why is it we are faced with the truth, we don't want to hear it. we want to make it into something worse, something unfathomable, something that we can't get through. we drag our feet for change, where does fear take us? Well the answer perhaps is nowhere. ever put your feet out of the sled because you were afraid you were going to run into a tree, ah yes..we all have, and we usually flip the sled then and there or redirect ourselves to another direction. But the real question is why do we always think we are going to hit that tree?

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


TONYIZE: February 2005

I'm so mad, i just lost all my fricken info...dam... Ok, so i'm just retarded, never mind...

My therapist said

Ok. So my therapist is having me do this exercise, for 10 minutes I am supposed to not think or think about forethought out thoughts, like some fantasy reality thing and/or think for 10 minutes (cause not thinking is still too hard) and then write down my thoughts so she can see what I am thinking. I am going with the thinking for 10 minutes with my thoughts for the first time and we'll see where we go from there. Ok 10:52 go:

my mind is racing right now
thinking about barbara, tony's sister
wondering about track team, IC4A's
family coming up in may
why do I think so much
its cold in here
I need to eat something
exercise after this then take shower
plant in kitchen, not enough heat for life
fantasize about my house with tony
board stuff
call fernando
yearbook frank
tony not happy with meeting on Saturday
leave on time tomorrow to get to work on time
how am I going to get home tomorrow night< Zia?
people gossip too much, work
i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay...my fingers are very cold but my heart is racing
what to wear to work
clean up room with papers
put away dishesok starting to thin kabout nothing, 4 minutes in
focusing on numbers but thought with leah about taking time for self and not killing self with everything once in missouri,
zia airforce
maybe i should take up yoga
electric blankets are very nice
email barbara
write to tanzania people
why do i like sweets so much
actually i don't i eat them though, sugar...they really aren't that good, it'sl ike a bad habit or something
next grand rounds give pictures away from extras in yearbook room
receipt to patrick for pics i developed
have pics of writign staff people, should bring them in
what do i have to do for yearbook
like to take a trip
christian tanzania
doses and notices
next sissue
special issue for graduation

missouri boards
is ten minutes up yet?
should put musi cc on while exercisinsg
ins ten minutes up yet?
i can type with my eyes closed.
i hope this exercise gets better as the week goes on

Ok 11:02, wow, lots on my mind, need to slow some of this, will do later this week/weekend again, maybe next time focusing on this reality thing. Have to go exercise and shower and cook lunch/dinner for work! Bye!!!!!